Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada