Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her