Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Interior design 👌
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
emergency phone
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?