@LoveNLunchmeat: Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi's baby.
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@DirtMcTurd: I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
@ibid78: WAITER: can i take your order? HER: *looks at lobster tank* i'll take that one ME: *looks out window* i'll take that pigeon
@_wendyb07: I hope I'm not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I'm serious about wanting it back.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Fitness tip: It's absolutely crucial to take "rest days" when working out so you don't get hurt. I've recently taken over 300 of them.