Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*bites zombie*
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Please do it!
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer