@Adyaces: Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she'd seen a bin opened like that before.
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@imVig: Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
@HolycrapitsaKat: *Someone compliments me* Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione's origin story called Granger Things.
@sucittaM: Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.