Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!