Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Well, this certainly took a turn
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.