Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Personal question. #JustSaying
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead