Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
When I snag the last meatball.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.