Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.