Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”