Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”