Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Rather alarming headline…
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black