The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it