Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.