Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha