@illuminatedwndr: just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I'm so confused
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@OfficialMizGin: My mom when I was a kid: “Never talk to strangers.” “Never get in their cars.” Me to my future kids: “Here’s how to order an Uber.”
@BobTheSuit: Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
@Bob_Heller: Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@badbanana: Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers.