@illuminatedwndr: just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I'm so confused
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@TheTweetOfGod: When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
@DirtMcTurd: when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
@JasonLastname: As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?