“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.