Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Dance like you’re not the father
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.