Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Perfection.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.