Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You Might Also Like
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
😂 amazing answer
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives