Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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Donkey Kong sommelier
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
In Canada they just call them geese
Who wants to be my Valentine?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.