@Dishy2101: Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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@TheBoydP: [two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?
@murrman5: [god in a bad mood but insisting he's fine] I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday "but the spider is done" Im adding 6 legs
@zachreinert03: A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it's actually one of the only games you can't lose twice
@MelvinofYork: At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.