Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.