Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.