There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.