just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Meowchelangelo
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
cry laughing at this shit
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones