@briangaar: Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
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@Sam19eighty: Mom: I'm worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don't worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: ... ( Worried face)
@DurtMcHurtt: *Asks soulmate* What is your dream car and why? Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
@KentWGraham: It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
@BrianIncognito: I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.