@Cheeseboy22: Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."

@_youhadonejob: Not the best name for an apple employee.

@gorrdano: Sorry, I'm using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@CatherineLMK: "Damnit!" -a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@Donna_McCoy: If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell 'em that subtweet wasn't about them.