Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Truth
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver