@thejodiest: Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
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@Robert_Beau: Sunday Family Dinner: Mother In Law: Isn't that your third glass of wine? Me: Isn't that your third husband? MIL: M: MIL: M: Gravy?
@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*
@DrunksWithGuns: If you blast Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is", the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.