Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Every damn time
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.