Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me