Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
get you a girl who
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
.. do you even science?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Breaking news:
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila