Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one