Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Ok but actually
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.