@thongbeard: Just texted her "thanks for choking on me" I meant "checking" but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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@iwearaonesie: "UNLESS WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE'S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!" - me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
@rodney_at_large: I saw your link on Facebook. What happened next will blow your mind.......I didn't open it.
@T_N_Crumpets: *Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!
@Bacon_Ball: Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them "people are about to die". Then Hung up.