Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.