Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Pot warmers of the day.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?