“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.