@SondraDeeMe: "Just the tip," I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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@Social_Mime: Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?
@Marlebean: [dark alley] Here's the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures. Kidnapper: Wait, don't you want your kids back?
@AllyBallyBeal: Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
@ThingsJackDigs: Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.