Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks