@VodkaShorebird: Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
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@sarcasm_inc: A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called "disappointed" Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.
@TheMichaelRock: What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.
@BriarSlyMalice: HIM: My new girlfriend's name is "Bella". That means "Beautiful" in Italian. ME: It also means "War" in Latin...so good luck with that.