Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
You Might Also Like
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Festive toon…
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.