“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Unexpected Judgment
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.