“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Banana is the quietest snack
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?