Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??