My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!