Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here