@PyrBliss: Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it's definitely NOT the thought that counts.
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@badbanana: 65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
@dafloydsta: [getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
@FKACornshucks: TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it's my interpretation of Die Hard 2.