@Underchilde: Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
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@mortimermaiden: [humane society] Me: Hi, I'd like one medium sized dog please. Vet: That's not— Me: Oops, I'm sorry. One "grande" dog please.
@Crunk_Jews: This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
@TheTobbie: I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it...
@drayzze: If you're desperately lonely, just look on the bright side. At least you still have standards.