Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.