Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My Plans 2020
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
scared to check what name she chose
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.