@Oh_God_Why_Me: Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I'm definitely going to get the license this time.
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@juliussharpe: Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?
@vinnycrack: Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
@007Pepe_Rex: Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
@RidiculousSheri: Yelp review: Dating You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won't let you bring your cat. Would not recommend.