Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.