@stockejock: Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(
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@bobvulfov: CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
@MAngelo505: What I said : Just a trim, please. What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
@mandysparklerxo: I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won't be renewing my lease.
@PJTLynch: Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency? Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!