@stockejock: Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(
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@aligarchy: sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s that? Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you. *eats her bacon*
@chaseisangry: Concept: The Purge but it's 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want "Do u have a bathroom?" "No we shit outside like bears"
@dlicj: [at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey