Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
me logging onto twitter
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions