Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.