Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
A new level of troll.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend